Ever since reading this post yesterday, it has been consuming my thoughts. Am I trusting God with the size of our family or did we make a choice on our own that seemed logical at the time? We can come up with many reasons for not having more biological children right now - we already have a "big" family (5 children in 6 years is a lot, isn't it? Especially with no twins. One would think we would want to be done), our house is full, my pelvis gets worse with each pregnancy - okay, those are the biggest ones. But then there is all the emotional toll new babies take on an individual and the family. When I think about that article and think about the choice we made to stop having more children, I wonder if I really consulted God? Or did I just say okay to please my husband? And did I, at the time, really think that we were done? Now? I don't know what to think. Baby girl Ari is 18 months old - the exact time a new baby would have been entering this family had we followed the same course of timing as the other kids. Is that the only reason I look at all other babies and wonder why we aren't having more? Is it just selfishness on my part to want more babies because I feel I have so much more to give and no one else to give it too? Is it just hormones causing these tears to stream down my face while washing dishes or doing paperwork or writing this blog? Do I really trust God? I know there is the whole school of thought that says that God gave us a brain and reason and the ability to make decisions for ourselves. Yeah, I do that a lot. I am good at taking control. But shouldn't God have that control? The part that bothers me the most is that I may have made a choice, a decision, without trusting God for the answer. That grieves me the most. So, I pray. I pray that my very gracious Savior shows himself to me in a clear way. I pray that I would trust in the many areas of my life that are lacking. I pray that Jay & I would be able to obey what God is calling us to do even if it goes against what we feel or think right now. I pray we would have unity. And I pray that I would find peace. I will leave you with the lyrics of a song based on Hebrews 11:1 that speaks what my heart struggles to voice:
"Seems like there's so much to hope for,
So many dreams I wish they all could come true.
But when I think about your ways, Lord,
It gives me so much faith in all that You do.
Faith to see beyond what I can see
Faith to know that you will do great things
I will trust you, Lord, I'll always believe
As I hold onto my faith, Jesus, you are holding on to me."